John Howard’s Integrity ruled non-existent by eBay
Yes, it’s official – Aussie PM John Howard’s Integrity is “no item”. While somebody almost managed to sell New Zealand on eBay and other people have sold everything from their virginity and kidneys to their lives, eBay had to remove the JHI from its listings. Because you can’t buy what isn’t there.
Seller’s Item Description:
You are bidding on an original 1950′s mind set. Genuine period flaws make this a truly unique item. While the internal mechanism (not in photo) is damaged it still spins at full speed. The veneer is in splendid condition. You will be disappointed or your money back.
We in Australia were already aware of this item’s absence. Howard has maintained his position as The Little Sheriff with lies about refugees drowning their own children, Aboriginals wanting to lay claim to people’s gardens and driveways, the danger of responding to climate change, and of course those evil Iraqis and their invasion-justifying plans to blow up the world. But we appreciate eBay making it official.
After 67 hours, 1 354 visits, and 27 bids, the JHI “no item” had managed to reach a whopping $US51.00 before being spotted as non-existent.
The item was listed in an eBay category which included political and historical memorabilia and Scout pins.
The seller, ‘CapitalIdeas2007′, answered queries from potential buyers throughout the auction period.
Q: This item, if it exists, seems priceless. I imagine George Dubya could buy anything. What hope has an ordinary person like me against his interests? (Thisplace59)
A: Fear not! While you are not alone in coveting this item, we are expecting bids from people who already have a little integrity of their own and wish to expand their collections. George W is not such a person. Furthermore he has never shown the slightest bit of interest in preserving Howard’s Integrity and we do not expect him to start now.(Capitalideas2007)
One visitor ‘AustraliansRus’ pinpointed the polemic in advance, asking ‘Are you allowed to sell something that doesn’t exist?’. EBay soon clarified the position, removing the listing shortly after at 3:30pm EST on Wednesday 2 May 2007.
I haven’t looked at CapitalIdea2007′s other items, but would like to make a few suggestions: Attorney-General Phillip ‘Habeas What?’ Ruddock’s compassion, Malcolm ‘first President of the Republic’ Turnbull’s humility, Alexander ‘Breastfed Until Graduation’ Downer’s chin (complete with intellect and international respect), Australian action on global warming, God’s relationship with George Bush, and Dick Cheney’s body temperature.
Oops, nearly forgot Paul Lennon’s credibility and Dick Adams’ brain.
Questions Posed by Visitors to the Seller during eBay Auction for ‘John Howard’s Integrity’:
Q: I was wondering how you got him south of the border? Must be some illegal entrants seeking refuge who plan to depart Melbourne Airport for a more reasonable open democracy? ( spiller888)
A: Fortunately this country has an abundance of cages capable of holding even the very small (& our product is EXTREMELY small) so we have been able to keep the integrity locked away. As for refugees – sorry we have none for sale today – It is difficult to find a mint condition refugee as they are generally damaged or destroyed soon after arrival. ( Capitalideas2007)
Q: Will I save on shipping costs if I also take Tony Abbott’s dignity when purchasing with you? Wait I can’t find that item anymore…..( adam_foran)
A: Unfortunately DNA tests confirmed that the dignity was NOT Tony Abbott’s. However, fetching samples of his nuttiness have yet to be aborted. ( Capitalideas2007)
Q: Postage? Ha! Can I keep the microscope it was viewed in for authenticity? ( Tobler.1)
A: Sorry, industrial grade microscope too large for shipment. ( Capitalideas2007)
Q: How do you respond to allegations that Johnny’s integrity sank off the coast of Australia during the Tampa Crisis? ( AustraliansRus)
A: What kind of Prime Minister would throw their integrity overboard? We don’t want people like THAT in this country. ( Capitalideas2007)