A Tasmanian logging company, John Howard & Kevin Rudd walk into a bar…
A Tasmanian logging company, Arch Bishop George Pell, Amanda Vanstone, Malcolm Turnbull, Kevin Rudd and John Howard walk into a bar. The bartender asks them what they’d like. George Pell says he’d like muslims to stop spreading intolerance over Easter. Amanda Vanstone says she’ll have $70 000 in Chinese lessons and a trip to Italy. She promptly sits down at the piano to write a truly Australian song about genocide, climate change denial and children in cages. A national Vanthem, if you will. Pauline Hanson appears out of nowhere and sits beside her to play along. But she decides that there are too many black keys mixed in with the white ones and goes back to cooking fish and chips out the back.
John Howard asks for another go at being Prime Minister, Turnbull says he’ll have one of those too. The logging company asks for a serve of purpose-built legislation, punches the bartender in the face, and tells Tasmanian Premier Paul Lennon, who just happens to be there as well, to get behind the bar. Which he does. Kevin Rudd gets back from making sure that Channel Seven and Brian Burke aren’t hiding in the toilet and asks for a Virgin Mary.
They all look at him in disbelief. John Howard asks, “what the f#%k Kev? Are you a poofter or something?”
He replies “give it a rest John, you’ve been checking out my poll since we got in here.”
It turns into a massive punch-up. Vanstone bangs out ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ while Lennon and the logging company get Turnbull in a headlock. He’s trying to wedgie Howard, who’s frantically kicking Rudd in the balls. Pell gets between them yelling, “no, my children, the real enemy are the Islamic married gay couples who blow themselves up in cars because they hate our freedom.”
Rudd and Howard throw him over the bar. He knocks down the Virgin Mary, which smashes on the floor. There’s a flash of smoke and light, and a shimmering bearded brown man appears above the shattered virgin. A thunderous voice echoes around the tiny room. The fighting stops and they cover their eyes in fear.
“Kevin,” booms the voice, “you run along home now. I don’t want you to see this.”