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Breaking News – Exxon reps ‘arrested’ in Canada over latest climate policy

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Thursday June 14, Alberta, Calgary:

The 2007 Gas & Oil Exposition (GO Expo) was rocked today by the forward-looking keynote address delivered by Shepard Wolffe – spokesman for George Bush’s key advisory, the National Petroleum Council (NPC), and mouthpiece for its Chief, former ExxonMobil CEO, Lee Raymond. Wolffe was accompanied by current Exxon rep Florian Osenberg.

It was expected that Wolffe would announce the long-awaited, though undoubtedly industry-biased and ignorantly conservative, findings of the US Department of Energy commisioned study into climate change and possible impacts on energy policy. Over 300 ‘oil men’, some with ovaries, were in attendance for the highly anticipated keynote address by Wolffe.

He initially made lengthy reference to the liquefaction of coal and the strip mining of Canada’s oil sands – two highly pollutive practices set to form the cornerstone of US energy policy for decades to come. Attendees were caught off guard when Wolffe acknowledged the environmental disaster such practices would ensure.

Yet he turned these concerns on their head. By combining the threat of peak oil and the opportunities of climate disaster, the new energy source proposed by Exxon and the NPC offers a real and viable solution.

Wolffe insisted that industry will be able to “keep the fuel flowing”. As human fatalities of climate disaster mount, industry is adapting with a revolutionary market-driven solution.

Like Soylent Green, it’s made of people. But it’s not food – it’s oil!

“We need something like whales, but infinitely more abundant,” explained Wolffe before describing the technology used to generate the new Exxon oil product, Vivoleum.

“Vivoleum works in perfect synergy with the continued expansion of fossil fuel production,” noted Exxon rep, Osenberg. “With more fossil fuels comes a greater chance of disaster, but that means more feedstock for Vivoleum. Fuel will continue to flow for those of us left.”

The audience celebrated the dawn of a pragmatic new energy future, joining Wolffe and Osenberg in lighting candles infused with the new power source. This commemorative batch of Vivoleum had been sourced from an Exxon janitor who died after cleaning up a toxic oil spill. When a video was played of the janitor declaring his dying wish to be made into candles, the crowd was visibly shaken.

GO Expo organizer, Simon Mellor, physically forced Osenberg from the stage at this point. Unable to accept what he was hearing, he called for the aid of security guards in herding the Exxon rep toward a side exit.

Wolffe presses the meet.“We’ve got to get ready,” protested Wolffe, as his colleague was dragged from the room. “Fossil fuel development like that of my company is increasing the chances of catastrophic climate change, which could lead to massive calamities, causing migration and conflicts that would likely disable the pipelines and oil wells. Without oil we could no longer produce or transport food, and most of humanity would starve. That would be a tragedy, but at least all those bodies could be turned into fuel for the rest of us.”

“We’re not talking about killing anyone,” he added emphatically. “We’re talking about using them after nature has done the hard work. After all, 150,000 people already die from climate-change related effects every year. That’s only going to go up – maybe way, way up. Will it all go to waste? That would be cruel.”

Acting on a hunch that Wolffe and Osenberg may indeed be Andy Bichlbaum and Mike Bonanno of The Yes Men, Mellor held the ‘impostors‘ until the Calgary Police service arrived. Officers determined that the men had committed no serious infraction and had them duly released…like so many billion tonnes of carbon dioxide by an industry that knows it is killing the planet but is more concerned about massive short term profit and continued dominance of government policy.

more news as it breaks here



Written by typingisnotactivism

June 15, 2007 at 1:59 pm

3 Responses

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  1. Exxon reps ‘arrested’ over climate policy in Canada

    Even oil executives were upset by the announcement of America’s new energy vision – Vivoleum, which would see dead people used as fuel.


    June 15, 2007 at 2:29 pm

  2. Absolute classic. Thanks for bringing that to the world.

    Colin Campbell

    June 16, 2007 at 9:35 am

  3. […] Breaking News – Exxon reps ‘arrested’ in Canada over latest climate policy […]

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