George Bush; Portrait of a Fuckhead

This picture and story are too great not to repost. Good one, Korova. The full story is here in SpiegelOnline. British artist Jonathan Yeo got fed up with the Bush University in Texas repeatedly booking then cancelling his services to come and do a portrait of George Bush.

So he did one for free – by making a collage out of cutup pornos. Right ear – right now.

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Forest Industry of Tasmania – Asked & Answered.

Reprinting this from here because it is a shittily arranged site and more chance that all you deep green commie lefties will look at this if you don’t have to click through to a clearfell lobbying www. And because I’ve… (answered it). Thanks David Obendorf for pointing out this piece of poop.

The Editor – Mercury, Examiner, Advocate 28/08/07

by Julian Amos as Chairman of Forest Industries Association of Tasmanistan

The arguments of those opposed to the pulp mill border on the surreal (because they are filthy dirty hippies who smoke mushrooms and collect Dali posters). Let us put some facts on the table (whoa big fella, let’s not get carried away).

The amount of dioxin being released from the mill each year is minute. It will, in
volume, be less than one grain of rice (rice that can destroy reproductive systems at concentrations of less than a grain of sand – not good for marine reproduction at all). Most of these substances will be discharged in the effluent not to the air. (thank god – i like pigeons and John Gay but i fucking can’t stand seals)

The level of dioxins and furans from the proposed mill is miniscule (0.111 grams) compared with the output of these substances from existing wood heaters (0.883 grams or over 96%) in the greater Launceston area (me think you is confused – particulate matter and dioxins are different. particulates are small solid pieces of air pollution that get stuck in lung tissue, dioxins are persistent pollutants that alter genetic functions at incredibly low concentrations). Wood heaters seriously affect the overall air quality in the Tamar and it is wood heaters and not the pulp mill that is the real issue to be addressed. (goddamn wood heaters! why should people be allowed to stay warm in their homes while Gunns lose millions of dollars a day. Shame Launceston, shame!)

The effluent from the mill, including the “grain of rice”, (which is actually one of the most lethal persistent poisons known to humanity, as opposed to actual rice which is an edible grain) will be dispersed via a 3km outlet pipe into Bass Strait, in an area where there is no commercial scallop fishery (so if nobody’s making money off it, we really should bugger it – it’s what the market would want). The Maryvale mill in Victoria has been discharging its effluent into Bass Strait for years, with no adverse effect on the marine environment or any fishery. (may be because they claim to have eliminated emissions of 2378TCDD dioxins. no reported effect from a company with 70 years in pulp industry that as of 10 years ago was still 90% native forest dependent. Nice example.)

The mill will be situated in an area where there are vineyards. In the premium grape growing districts of Provence and Bordeaux, in France, vineyards inhabit the same territory as pulp mills, with no loss of reputation, tourism attraction, or wine quality. (yes, good talking point – in Bordeaux, an inexperienced company that nobody trusts has run a million tonne pulp mill for years. There has never been an accident and people travel there every year for fresh wine, clean air, and France’s breathtaking biodiversity.)

Those who argue for a site move to Hampshire from the Tamar for environmental reasons are being less than honest (that would bother you?). First, there is no proposal to do so, and anyway, why is that site any more “environmentally appropriate”. (no air shed issues, in the middle of Gunns’ plantations, not disrupting existing industries, would have to be properly assessed in the way that Tamar wasn’t)
Industrial plant in Tasmania operates under license conditions. If those conditions are breached, the plant is shut down. The pulp mill will operate under license conditions, and will be treated no differently to any other industrial plant. (as long as Gunns turn themselves in every time they fuck up. That’s another job created right there.)
Those who argue that the mill will destroy Tasmania’ forests conveniently ignore the fact that no additional timber will be cut to feed the mill – woodchips that are presently exported as woodchips will be the feedstock for the mill. (this is false, not only will the mill continue to consume native forests while plantation chips are exported, but the woodchips that are presently exported will most likely have been used overseas by the time the mill can be built.)

And finally (i doubt it), those complaining of the fast-track process (and corruption of due process, and incompetence, and fat belly laughter) by the State Government should reflect on the fact that it was the RPDC process that was flawed, because of the lack of a timeline. (no, we’ve all been over this. The RPDC process was flawed because nobody submitted a competent or complete or accurate Integrated Impact Statement for them to work with, despite numerous invitations and requests for someone to submit said item.) To say that the public has been denied the opportunity for input is wrong. The public had input into the RPDC process and that input has been included under the present arrangements, both State and Federal. (‘inclusion’ is not the same as consideration. And reluctant inclusion without proper consultation, compared with encouraging a corporation to draft and edit legislation before elected unrepresentatives even get a look in?)

The public needs to have the full facts and not simply the biased presentations from the anti-mill lobby. (Yes, the public needs to have the full facts,so give em the facts, fool! Oh, that’s right. Facts are commercial in confidence aren’t they?)

Breaking News – GetUp gathers 25 000 objections for Turnbull

This media release has just come throught from GetUp! (the public interest lobby group that encourages free thinking – i.m.o.)

Over 25,000 Australians Tell Malcolm Turnbull: No Gunns Pulp Mill

In the space of only a few days, more than 25,000 Australians have joined
GetUp.org.au’s campaign against Gunns Ltd’s proposed pulp mill in Tasmania’s
Tamar Valley, sending their individual submissions to Federal Environment Minister
Malcolm Turnbull’s public invitation to comment on the controversial proposal.

The Minister has allowed a ten-day period for public comment, which ends this
Friday, 31st August. Almost one thousand GetUp members living in Mr Turnbull’s
electorate of Wentworth have also written to him directly, urging him, as their local
member, to reject Gunns’ proposal in its current form.

“This is an overwhelming statement from the Australian people rejecting this illthought
and retrograde industrial development which will harm Tasmania’s
environment and economy,” said GetUp Executive Director Brett Solomon. “Gunns
has an incredibly powerful lobbying voice, but these 25,000 submissions should
remind our politicians who they really answer to.”

Tasmania’s Pulp Mill Crescendo – media round up

In Tasmanistan’s House of Rubber Stamp it’s full steam ahead : Pulp Mill Victory (for JohnPaul) which has Lord High Out-of-touch believing that Gunns full commitment to the project is still worth getting excited about. Big Red’s a bit excited because he has oh-so-competent Tasmanian Government legal advice that Malcolm Turnbull has fatally fudged administrative procedure, thereby putting the legality of his assessment in doubt (again?).

But the Australian Medical Association, a potent political force – not to mention occasional voice for good sense – has just upgraded its health concerns on the mill: Health Risk Too Great.

Meanwhile, and most comprehensively, Lateline got fully stuck in last night.

They revealed that like a liquid turd running down the leg of a grandmother dead from shock, the CFMEU are wanting to again make their election-year presence felt. How imaginative to threaten stacking marginal electorates in the year that the ALP might get rid of Howard if they can just convince people that the unions aren’t self-indulgently irresponsible, power-hungry bullies. Thanks for the last three years of dual house Liberal domination Michael O’connor – how about WorkChoices hey? Well done CFMEU. Why not try for WC II, The Enfuckwittening.

Get Your War On. . . .beeyatchz

GYWO is a bit essential. Click on the pics above if it’s new to you.

Taking advantage of child abuse – Howard Government takes it even further.

This story filed with Crikey by Henri Ivrey is incredible – not because it is any kind of exception to the rule, or because it is unlike Mal Brough to screw desperate people over, but because the practice has been thoroughly exposed in detail by a non indigenous paper that’s almost mainstream.

It is also amazing because the detail of the story is prescient – this is part of the next mega-grab by Howard et al. and therefore there is some hope if these actions are rejected by the broader national community. It’s an essential story which you’d probably be glad to read in full, but at the very least check out this excerpt:

The early targets appear to be urban-based Community Development Employment Programs (CDEP). In a letter to these CDEP projects in towns and cities up the Stuart Highway, IBA’s “national manager business funding”, Kim McIlveen is keen to introduce “new products and services that your CDEP organisation might qualify for”.

One of these “new products” is “establishing an Indigenous Economic Development Trust, through which assets will be leased to Aboriginal businesses”.

And he is cheerfully offering a helping hand.

“IBA staff and contracted service providers will be visiting each CDEP over the next few months to provide more information and invite you to discuss your business needs.”

The sheer effrontery of it is extraordinary. The Department of Employment and Workplace Relations (DEWR), in at least one instance, will be “resuming” an asset from an Aboriginal business which is being offered back for commercial rental to the very Aboriginal business from which it was compulsorily taken.

More Idiots at APEC. Protesting In Support of Channel Ten Values.

Whether you’re protesting at APEC, beating up protesters at APEC, or any security agency not directly employed by the NSW Police and therefore have the Deputy Premier and Police Minister’s permission to pretend to be a violent protester at APEC (therefore justifying the use of water cannon, police and paramilitary violence, 30 buses being used as mobile holding cells, etc.) you’ll want to know about these junk-slappers.

The Liberty and Democracy Party are a bunch of Australian igno-douches halfway between 1st year economics and their first graduate jobs in the p.r./marketing/banking sector. But they’re not all poorly educated assholes.

Some of them are just assholes.

Anyway, the whole globalisation, workplace slavery, environmental degradation, planetary pollution, exponentiation of inequality, stealing land, killing villages, two-party police state bound by economic monotheism thing is going so badly (obviously) that these fans of John Laws think their mighty voices, tiny minds and hunger for media ops are needed at APEC.

So get along and check them out. Take urine.

IGNORANT YOUNG NEOFASCIST AGITATOR ITINERARY

Saturday 8th September 2007

9:00am – Meet at the corner of York and Market Street on street level above the post office. This is across the intersection from the North-West corner of the Queen Victoria Building (QVB). There will be a short briefing with any last minute updates.

9:20am – Make our way as a group toward Hyde Park.

10:00am – 11:30am – Take our message of freedom to the people.

It is noteworthy that the original poster promoting this ‘alternative’ protest is a research fellow at the Institute of Public Affairs. They are essentially a propaganda unit for hire lobbying for deregulation of GMOs, nuclear power and waste disposal, taxation of issue-based charities and NGOs, and social injustice. They refer to themselves as a ‘think tank’. This ‘protest’ is conveniently timed to run into the Sop Bush protest also happening in the same area in Sydney on Saturday morning. How convenient it would be if they created an incident requiring that the police use force indiscriminately, while certain journos who are also fellows of the IPA just happen to create context.

B_B_Bernice drew my attention back to something – a turn of phrase that likely sends chills up the spines of those who understand it – Naomi Klein’s latest speech turned to the battle for a different world and sums up modern history in her characteristically blunt and beautiful style:

We did not lose the battle of ideas. We were not outsmarted, and we were not out-argued. We lost because we were crushed. Sometimes we were crushed by army tanks, and sometimes we were crushed by think tanks. And by think tanks, I mean the people who are paid to think by the makers of tanks. Now, most effective we have seen is when the army tanks and the think tanks team up. The quest to impose a single world market has casualties now in the millions, from Chile then to Iraq today. These blueprints for another world were crushed and disappeared because they are popular and because, when tried, they work. They’re popular because they have the power to give millions of people lives with dignity, with the basics guaranteed. They are dangerous because they put real limits on the rich, who respond accordingly. Understanding this history, understanding that we never lost the battle of ideas, that we only lost a series of dirty wars, is key to building the confidence that we lack, to igniting the passionate intensity that we need.

How bout that bloody eclipse, eh?

Very very cool lining up of cosmic bodies.

Note to self – take tripod next time. Handheld long exposures across even relatively short segments of the galaxy: blargh. Despite partial fuzz, I think that in the second photo you can clearly see a monkey-snake holding its powerful monkey arms aloft to celebrate having just smashed up the batmobile – wreckage also visible. I think this picture clearly debunks The Permanent-Moon-Rabbit Theory.

New Naomi Klein – New Book, New WWW, Latest Speech. JOY!!

Hot Damn!!!

Not only is Naomi Klein’s new book – The Shock Doctrine – due for release and already available from certain internet locations, but Alfonso Cuaron – the utter mad genius who directed the essential Children of Men – is making a short film to accompany it which is also due for release shortly. AND Klein has a new website which is not only fully packed with a whole bunch of things worth knowing about and understanding, but has more to tell about all of the above, as well as ready and reliable links and connections to all of her other writing and film projects.

 

audio of recent speech by Klein at a debate scheduled between her and Bono’s economist Jeffrey Sachs. Sachs cancelled his appearance.

Text here. Excerpt of Klein’s inspired insight follows:

And unlike Jeffrey Sachs, I actually don’t believe that what is lacking is political will at the highest levels, cooperation between world leaders. I don’t think that if we could just present our elites with the right graphs and PowerPoint presentations — no offense — that we would finally convince them to make poverty history. I don’t believe that. I don’t believe we could do it, even if that PowerPoint presentation was being delivered Angelina Jolie wearing a (Product) Red TM Gap tank top and carrying a (Product) Red cell phone. Even if she had a (Product) Red iPhone, I still don’t think they would listen. That’s because elites don’t make justice because we ask them to nicely and appealingly. They do it when the alternative to justice is worse. And that is what happened all those years ago when the income gap began to close. That was the motivation behind the New Deal and the Marshall Plan. Communism spreading around the world, that was the fear. Capitalism needed to embellish itself. It needed to soften its edges. It was in a competition. So ideas aren’t the problem, and money is not the problem, and I don’t think political will is ever the problem.

The real problem, I want to argue today, is confidence, our confidence, the confidence of people who gather at events like this under the banner of building another world, a kinder more sustainable world. I think we lack the strength of our convictions, the guts to back up our ideas with enough muscle to scare our elites. We are missing movement power. That’s what we’re missing. “The best lacked all convictions,” Yeats wrote, “while the worst are full of passionate intensity.” Think about it. Do you want to tackle climate change as much as Dick Cheney wants Kazakhstan’s oil? Do you? Do you want universal healthcare as much as Paris Hilton wants to be the next new face of Estee Lauder? If not, why not? What is wrong with us? Where is our passionate intensity?

Greedy Gunns – Having Their Chips, And Eating Them Too.

The impact statement which Gunns felt sure would land them a pulp mill in Tasmania’s scenic Tamar Valley has been deemed inadequate, inaccurate and incomplete at 7500 pages. At over 10,000 pages, it remains so.

But the document has reluctantly yielded nuggets of truth. It is now clear why Gunns is resisting pressure to relocate the proposal to its large plantation estate at Hampshire in the state’s north.

According to Wilderness Society (TWS) spokesperson Vica Bayley, documents within the Integrated Impact Statement for the pulp mill reveal the entire Hampshire plantation estate is to be exported as woodchips.

Campaign Against Malcolm Turnbull’s Pulp Approval Kicks Up a Notch.

 

Breaking news here – it’s finally getting interesting on the mainland (perhaps long after it should have, but at least it’s on now!!)

 and this handsome number leads to a fresh story about how Geoffrey Cousins has financed the printing of 55 000 copies of Richard Flanagans ‘Out of Control‘ for distribution in Turnbull’s and Garrett’s electorates.

Some Handy Oz Aussie Awstraylyun WWWs Youse Wankerz.

Tired of supporting viciously biased government-funded media outlets like the ABC that proclaim a concern for quality journalism but really just want to so dilute your understanding of Australia that you might end up thinking trees and social justice are good? Fret no more – some of the crew behind the all-too-awesome Chaser’s War on Everything have put together a web & print based weekly fresh out of publicational placenta. The Manic Times promises to do everything but suck. . . unless that’s what you really want it to do

An older hand of proven vision and good intentions is Richard Neville. Somehow stumbled across these pages the other day and wish i’d got there sooner.

Lots of luscious, original, and angry creativity here. Definitely good pages to spend a long time picking through and the endorsed links, writers, and artists all lead to similarly rewarding labyrinths.

But it may be that Neville is leaving his own pages undeveloped for a while to publish Home Page Daily which, in short, is a bloody terrific destination in the digital playground. Up and running for three months, I believe it’s still in beta version but it’s a Swiss Army News Blog with globally sourced climate, political, fake, angry, cynical, and cutting edge news and features in mixed media formats so you can read, watch, listen, etc. Very cool way to gauge what’s going on all over when you want to know but don’t have time.

This picture kind of sums up Blogotariat, but at the same time doesn’t at all.

It’ seems a bit shiny and new, but highly user-friendly, quite diversely assembled, and offers a good Australian lens to domestic and international news and events.

Hmm… is also non-partisan, in that it has something for everyone to like or hate lots. Is a bit of an aggregator building towards being a self-reliant web-zine for Australian webscribblers. Link-rich with a smatire.

Open praise for John Howard in these difficult times.

Well done Prime Minister!

Your boundless sincerity and human warmth has made 2007 a year of hope and good faith.

Lord knows that the majority of your eternity in power has been devoted to addressing the needs of Aboriginals in distress, creating accessible and user-friendly government unshielded by costly bureaucratic superstructures, caring for human health not only through a universal healthcare but through the most farsighted environmental policies in the world, the equitable redistribution of wealth and – need I go on?.

As for the education system in Australia – well, the quality is evident. Australian media and voters continually demonstrate fantastic nimbleness of mind and in this strength I still see hope for your reelection.

Your prime directive to gain electoral traction by picking fights with State Governments was exposed just weeks after you’d started doing exactly that. Even though the day you received that advice was the day that you declared the Terra Nullius mk.II in the Northern Territory, people are willing – even with the benefit of such explicit hindsight – to discuss your actions as if there is a possibility that they are genuine

What a relief that is! Otherwise more than half of us might see you as a desperate conniving slithering dirty swot and demand that you stand for something that matters, rather than sabotaging societies and ecosystems for political convenience.

We hope you win Mr. Howard. We hope you stick around – long after the million dollar APEC picnic at Bondi is packed away and the stormtroopers pull back out of the CBD.

Because as interest rates go up, as stock markets crash, as illegal invasions spread global terrorism, as Liberal Party donors consume the last remaining old growth forests and last clean water bodies in the country, as Australia increasingly becomes an international pariah and as politicians become increasingly unaccountable, we will need to see you speaking on YouTube, in Parliament, and at the Southern Cross Broadcasting radio affiliates.

Who else can we trust to remind us just how good our government is, and just how badly off we’d all be without you?

This election – Vote for a BABE!!

A new non-governmental lobby group was formed this week in response to months of sickeningly desperate media thespianism by Australian politicians. Babies Against Blatant Exploitation (B.A.B.E.) have sworn to puke, poop, pee, or keep parents awake with incessant screaming everytime that John Howard touches, kisses, or poses with an infant for the next four months. They say that they know now how their mothers feel because Howard is really getting on their tits.

While BABE is non-partisan, bookies have Howard as favourite at 4-3 being most likely to be the next politician to give babies the screaming shits.

Aussie Teen Cracks $84 Million porn filter, becomes wildly popular amongst schoolfriends.

This story is hilarious. It has everything – porn, a government made to look stupid, a kid that beats the system, computer hackery… more porn.

After all the government’s huffing and puffing – both on matters of local employment and on protecting kids from the evils of an interweb built solely for the purpose of stealing their innocence – it’s a big fail for Communications Minister (and part-time fencepost) Helen Coonan.

Money spent on an imported product has been wasted when a local one (even according to the 16-year old who cracked it) would have been more effective and saved millions. It’s a bit surprising that Coonan got it so wrong.

She is just one of the many Howard stooges who has been caught by the wildly wonderful WikiScanner this week, and as such her staff should have enough experience manipulating information online that you’d think they could spot an unreliable porn filter at twenty paces. The most Coonan-related article is here.

While the ‘poo bum dicky wee wee‘ edit is one of my personal favourites, the most insightful story would probably be this one – detailing how the Department of Defense made up to 5000 Wiki edits, and how the offices of the Prime Minister and Cabinet seem to have been responsible for the rewriting of recent history on major government lies – like children overboard.

While this excerpt is informative:

WikiScanner removes much of the anonymity Wikipedia contributors have long enjoyed by tracing the unique digital fingerprint left by everybody who uses Wikipedia. It has helped uncover self-serving contributions from hundreds of sources, including the CIA, the Vatican, the Republican Party, the UN, the US Senate and the US Democratic Party’s Congressional Campaign Committee.

I think that this quote from WikiScanner’s creator is absolutely brilliant:

“My intention was to create a massive fireworks display of public relations disasters for all the world to sit back and enjoy.”

– WikiScanner’s creator, Virgil Griffith

It is hoped that Peter Costello’s nickname, ‘Captain Smirk’, shall be reWiki-ed shortly.

Alanis Morissette sings a dark emo hiphop anthem to her ass – srsly awesome.

brilliantly interpreted black eye for some peas – My Humps.

Are Woolworths shitting on Asia’s old growth forests? Web campaign kicks in as boycotts approach outlaw status.

Seems that Woolworths are marking dodgily sourced poo paper as ‘sustainable forest fibre’. Wendy Frew – one of Australia’s most vital environmental journos – has just tun a story in the Sydney Morning Herald calling attention to the issue.

It (Woolworths) also appears to be sourcing at least some of the paper from Asia Pulp and Paper, an Indonesian company with what green groups have described as an appalling environment and human rights reputation.

Globally or locally, LAST CHANCE: Take 5 to personally oppose the annual pulping of 4 million tonnes of Tasmanian old growth. DO IT!!

YES!!! It’s been a bit of a wait, but public interest web warriors GetUp! have waded into the fight for common sense. If the governments in Canberra and Tasmania still choose not to hear the public or the experts, at least we’ll know it isn’t from lack of being shouted at.

Send your comments to Malcolm Turnbull via the portal here.

The Minister will most likely close any opportunity for comment or submission on Friday August 31, so get in now.

Either head via the GetUp! link or the link to the Department of Environment. It may not be possible at this late stage, but a groundswell of mainland and international opinion might force some of the more influential jokers to think a bit longer and harder before committing Tasmania to a toxic clearfelled nightmare. Worse than what’s being done already, that is.

Although they will likely close soon, there are currently 2 polls being taken in relation to the Gunns Pulp Mill In Waiting.

The Age in Melbourne is asking whether the mill decision will affect the way people vote. At the moment, 85% of people say ‘yes’. And there is a great article on this page by Sue Neales in Tasmania’s leading paper -the poll on this same page is asking a largely Tasmanian audience whether the mill should go ahead. Incredibly at this point, 4 090 votes say ‘no’, while 31 say ‘yes’. Seriously – 4 090 to 31.

Australia Just Got Even More Gay…

That’s right – John Gay, head of loggingy loggingest loggy chip chip forest eater Gunns Ltd. has just made his move from Tassie to mainland Australia. Gunns today exceeded a 50% holding of shares in mainland timber products and plantation company Auspine.

According to the story, the managing director of Auspine still holds a 30% share and has declined to sell. Hard to imagine why – what could be more popular than a company which insists that logging old growth is necessary, that protesters should spend years in court, and that dioxin isn’t that big a deal taking over your business?

Woo hoo!! Gunns on the mainland. Who’d have thought, hey?

I mean, why would you need to set your sights beyond practically owning the will of both sides of your state parliament in Van Diemen’s. What’s the mainland got to offer? Moderately effective environmental laws, protesters with more money for spraypaint because they haven’t had to pay airfare or ferry ticket to get to your office, . . . opposable thumbs?

Still, it may not be all bad.

Some pressure is increasing on Federal Environment Minister Malcolm Turnbull to actually represent the environment rather than boutique business interests. If he delays approval, or better still outright rejects the Gunns pulp mill it won’t be so great for Gunns’ masturbatorially demanded business certainty.

If an increasing public sentiment against Gunns, which must virtually parallel Premier Lennon’s 26% approval rating, does actually lead to the inevitable realistic opening of the books in Tasmania. . . then there won’t be much left for Gay in the way of public subsidies and sweetheart deals on native forests clearfelled at less than wholesale.

The real hope would lie in Gunns deciding to invest heavily in some kind of restructuring or restaffing of Auspine, or in Auspine’s work force running a go-slow campaign out of some vague concern for Australia’s natural environment and the global future. It seems unlikel, however hopeful, that this will come about of its own accord given that Gunns’ legitimate bookies would have no doubt performed due diligence before blessing the takeover.

However, if it leads to an expanded front by which the public can hold Gunns and Gunns’ financial backers accountable in a way that no ministry seems particularly willing to, well. . . that might just prove both interesting and hopeful.

A Sneak Peak at 11th Hour: a.k.a. An Inconvenient Truth Leonardo DiCaprio Style.

Thank God!! Another stud-starring Global Warming flick for everybody who either hasn’t worked it out yet or wants to relive the thrills of first grasping basic science. The most necessary sequel since When Harry Left Sally, Honey, I Punk’d The Kids, or Rocky VII – Balboa v Oatmeal.

I am so excited about Inconvenient Truth II: The Encarboning, and so certain that it will bring all of industrialized humanity to the tipping point of a complete social revolution that I HAD to review it even though I’m yet to miss it.

11th Hour, the DiCaprimentary: a sizzling romance between Leo and the lens, a tempestuous relationship between wealthy white people and every single thing in the living universe. DiCaprio goes undercover, deep cover, working his way to the top of the carbon emission pyramid. After 6 months posing as Exxon CEO Wayne Kerr, DiCaprio uncovers an evil plot to cash in on climate change related fear, ignorance and apathy, without actually changing anything.

There’s a wonderful scene where Leo dons angel wings in an effort to convince Richard Branson that there’s a better way to fly. But he realizes that he’s been duped when Branson swaps him 100 carbon credits for his chain mail armor, leaving him exposed to sniping from an opportunistic nuclear lobby still bitter over the public relations disaster that happens when an earthquake does the nasty with a Japanese waste storage facility.

He spends half an hour playing basketball and shooting dope with scientists who convince him that climate change is an evil conspiracy by a Weather Channel desperate to make money. DiCaprio realizes that they’re just ex-tobacco lobbyists in white coats and taking huge amounts of cash and Aboriginal land from masochistic wildlife and friends of John Howard when he spies the Terry Irwin Crocodile Hunter little khaki shirts and shorts with swastikas sewn on the back underneath their Alcoa-sponsored lab coats.

I particularly love the bit at the end where Leonardo and the stratosphere plummet from the bow of the ship as it tips upright in the tropical North Atlantic. At the end, as he’s floating toward the horizon atop a refrigerator casing with the last tree in the
world, a polar bear that is famished from swimming thousands of miles looking for a cameraman beats him about the face with a Coca Cola sponsorship before eating his guts and drying out his hide to form a canoe. The whole cinema cheered when Marky Mark busted a cap in his ass before celebrating by making hardcore porn with Burt Reynolds, Dick Chain Knees, and George Double Your Bush. Boogie!

Edge of the seat stuff. And with a compere supremely qualified to discuss climatology. Far moreso than those stupid scientists. If celebrities had made more movies about climate change 3 decades ago when it was first thought to be happening, instead of leaving it to these ditzy scientists… well, I just think somebody could have made a whole lot more money out of doing nothing about it way before now.

Makes me want to change a light bulb and buy a Prius. Questioning consumerism as a raison d’etre is so passe.

And remember kids, Consumption: it’s old school for T.B.!!

Dwarf glues penis to vacuum.

Just read hilariously wrong news from the Edinburgh Festival.

‘Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf’, was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances.

The main part of his act saw him appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member through a special attachment.

The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.

He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and … hospitalisation.

‘Did you see that funny little man with his junk stuck in a vacuum?’ Only in Scrotland!

Further instructions for evolution….and a touch of culture jam.

OH MY GOD!! Sometimes the internet just thoroughly exceeds expectation.

Thanks to Stendhalismo who always digs up the most unlikely bits of webris, here is some seriously great greatness.

Click on the image to hit Drasolt’s weblog and check out the full instructional ‘back to work’ pamphlet. It was created by Packard Jennings and the Anti Ad Agency Centennial Society Fight Club Invocationist Collective.  Definitely worth checking out, click the image below to visit.

The site is full of great things to make and do, including downloadable prank brochures, warning stickers for Bibles, and great Mussolini dolls that feature in the Fascist Dictator series along with both George Bushes.

‘Man on a Horse, 2002’

(you can see where this is going, right?)

Thought for the day

Fuck Yeah!

& Fuck You!

What’s long, black and hard and makes you wet?

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Apec in Sydney, September 2-9: what a riot!

The New South Wales Government had this fully functioning all-squirting teargas-proofed fuck-truck imported in March so that the bad boys of the emo-stomping brigade could get practicing for their September shenanigans. And the price tag? $600 000. That price wouldn’t sound so completely stupid if Premier Wombats-Arse-Stuck-On-Shoulders hadn’t had this bit of brainspooge to fire off:

“I hope that we’ll never have to use a piece of equipment like this…But if the situation arises, if there are people who take the law into their own hands with riotous behaviour on our streets, then this is a good weapon to have to restore order and control.”

Why the Hell would you spend $600 000 on something you really hope not to use? Cost-benefit modelling suggests that paying protestors $200 000 to party on an island somewhere far away from the caviar-dripping regional love-fest would be a better idea. And what about ‘people who take the law into their own hands with riotous behaviour on our streets’?

The people who most often fit that description at protests are Channel 10-fuelled testostedrones, also known as the riot squad, stomping malnourished peaceniks half their size. Speaking of which – “Public Order & Riot Squad”? Mr. Orwell, please report to the garage. Your car is ready.

At least Alex Bainbridge, representing the Stop George Bush movement had the good sense to say:

“It’s not a comforting thought to think that they might be going to prepare to use a water cannon against us…But it’s even more worrying to think about the innocent people being killed in the war in Iraq, and the fate of humanity if global warming isn’t held in check.”

Long story short: water cannons at peaceful protests suck, but not as badly as GeorgeHoward’s global felch. Still, could be handy for cooling the crowds when RapMaster Curious GWB drops some beats.

Gunns Pulp Mill Conditionally Approved. Turnbull P.R. campaign an afterthought.

Felicity Ogilvie has written up the story. Essentially, Malcolm Turnbull, Federal Environment Minister, is ready to sign off on Gunns pulp mill. Even though representatives of his department have stated in Federal Court that they have concerns about the mixture of toxins which Gunns will pour into Bass Strait, he has made them his scapegoat. When it all goes to Hell, as it will, Turnbull will be able to turn around and say that he only did what his department recommended.

The little bit of “oh look how transparent and participative our system is” will now come in the form of the conditional approval being open for public comment for 10 days. I think that when the conditional approval is referring to “wildlife corridors” being left for endangered species, it is obviously a plan for death incarnate.

In nature, a wildlife corridor is something that can occur within an ecosystem. Animals of particular species develop favoured runs between, for example, breeding and feeding grounds. Destroying natural infrastructure and leaving a strip of trees which the animal has to essentially stick to or die is not a wildlife corridor. It’s an extinction plan.