Archive for April 2008
According to the article from the BBC, Australia has just added over ten New Zealandsworth of land mass under UNCLOS. Which means that we can now let the people of East Timor have access to more than 10 per cent of their own gas and oil reserves.
Just kidding. But it does mean that coal producers will have a harder time finding a sympathetic ear and wallet from government because we now stand to lose even more precious ecosystems to climate change.
Just kidding. It really just means that due to the fact that the average Australian 8-year old now weighs over 147 pounds, the entire continent has had to get fatter, just to cope with a land covered in supersized sedentary Wii-jiggling pedometer-pushing fatties.
Already XXXL and pushing the boundaries of what might reasonably be defined as an island, the entire country now needs to buy new pants and pop the top shirt button to avoid chubby-necked asphyxia. The only exercise that sixth graders in Australia now get comes from the gruelling effort of convincing Mum to take them to the drive thru at Macca’s, or the adrenalin-pumping thrill of cyber-bullying their classmates into either killing themselves or going on a third-rate current affair show to say they hate the extra attention. How is obesity a health crisis? Malnutrition, AIDS, George Bush – these things are crises. Getting obese from feeding your face with reckless disregard for basic physiology isn’t a crisis with unforeseeable health outcomes, any more than shooting a dirty needle full of cocaine and fungus into your cock-eye is a good way to meet people.
Quit choking, get smoking! All that money that fatties are wasting on food should be spent on cigarettes. With the new smoking laws, nobody will let you in their restaurant because there’s such a good chance that you’ll give their customers terminal cancer. Meanwhile, you’ll feel less hungry, naturally slim down, and look cool doing it.
Course if that doesn’t work, there’s about ten million kids living with HIV in sub-Saharan Africa. Spend some of your lunch money on a plane ticket, head on over and grab a sandwich full of that little problem. Burger full of AIDS will surely get rid of your man-boobs by 2010 you smorgasbores. Hell, forget the AIDS. Just feed your ass to some starving villages while you’re over there. It’s sure to be better than the dirt some of the starving kids are eating to numb the hunger pain. Or just eat less.
Good on me.
Any takers? Flamers? Trolls?
Didn’t think so.