typing is not activism….

environ mentalism, fresh articles, interviews & checkitouts from Sydney.

Microsoft’s fraudathon: Screw charity, let’s self-promote!

with 12 comments

Looks like shaving foam; could be Marketing McManjam...

Parker Whittle is so real. He shaves. He uses Flickr, where his name is P-Whit (too easy to make something else out of that, hey?). And with a heart of gold, he’s launching himself into a 30-day email and i.m.-a-thon to raise an unknowable amount of money at an undisclosed rate for a handful of mainstream charities.

And the best part? It’s not your money. It’s Microsoft’s money. It’s like you’re reaching into the Man’s pockets and taking cash and handing it to a hungry person, every time you hit “enter.” The i’m Initiative turns you into Robin Hood with a goofy screen name.

Every time Parker, the Parkster, the P Man, or Da P, as his close friends call him, uses Windows Messenger or any other similarly contorted piece of Windows communicationware over the next month, Microsoft – “the Man” – sweats “coin”.

Parker could have just said “money” but he’s so “shtreet” he says “coin”!!

Oh no he di’n’t!!

He better talk to the handgurrlfren’!!!

If Parker was any hipp-er, he’d be an orthopaedic surgeon!!! Huh? Huh? Hell, if it wasn’t for the photo of him shaving in his tartan boxers in his mid-priced flat with his so-bad-it’s-good Dilbert Crazy Hair I would have sworn homeboy must done be my nig-gah n shit y’all, fer reeeeal!

Yeah? In the club?

Slip me some skin dude!

Right on!!

Of course, the only thing more fake than Parker Whittle’s ad agency college dictionary cut-through-speak is Parker Whittle himself.

Barely hours into his 30-day do-good-with-Microsoft-contorticationware-athon commenters have already called fake.

According to ‘Parker’:

who am I & why am I doing this

ParkerMy name is Parker, and I’m just a guy with a computer and good intentions. A couple of months ago, I found out about the i’m Initiative.

It’s a Microsoft program that gives to a social cause every time you use Windows Live Messenger or Windows Live Hotmail. I saw an ad that said, “The more you talk, the more we give.” So I thought, if I get a bunch of people talking for 30 days, how much will they give?

Of course, the shorter more accurate answer to “who am I and why am I doing this?” is “I am 8 overpaid coffee-sweat-stinking tennis fans in the back office at Felch, Gulp, and Praise Marketing Ltd. I am doing this so that I can get a fat bonus and blow it on Jay Z albums and Bill Henson pictures.”

Douchier than your average douches, check out the disclaimer that the marketing genii feeding their families on the ji$m of Micro$oft have stuck at the bottom of the page:

If you’re reading this, your BS detector is chirping like a smoke detector with a dicey 9-volt. As you’ve probably guessed, this blog is fictional, but the causes, and the i’m Initiative most certainly are not. The purpose of this blog is to raise awareness of the i’m Initiative and the worthy causes it helps. If we rubbed you the wrong way in the process that wasn’t our intention, so “sorry, our bad.”

Yes, really. Either they actually speak and think like that, or – perhaps even more retardedly – they think a critical mass of potential consumers speak and think like that. “Sorry if we rubbed you like an epileptic hooker with a rusty cyborg hand at the end of a 94-hour whiskey-fuelled coke bender, but you’re just the public. We’re marketers. For Microsoft. Eat our CK-scented stools.”

Great investment.

Here is F-Wit’s Flickr page. Sorry “Da” F-Wit’s Flickr page. Whatever. And let’s promote Twitter and Microsoft’s retooled (emphasis on ‘tooled’) Hotmail brand while we’re keeping it real as well.

Of course, the sick thing is that if a million people read this post and head here to Puckered Widdle’s blog to leave nasty but insightful comments, it will still count as some kind of marketing success.

I say “please do it anyway”. Am especially enjoying the plethora of comments of outrage and skepticism, such as this one from Denacho:

denacho

June, 24 2008 07:07 AM

and i can’t help but wonder that the “supportive” comments here haven’t been posted by someone at MS.  shameful.  i’m a Windows Admin at my company and cringe when i have to stand up for MS because there’s not much to stand up for.  now there’s nothing.

In the modern age, the best way to vote against an online presence is to not visit it. In America, online zines are already pushing pay arrangements with their online writers that are geared to reflect the level of traffic that each article generates.

Even knowing this, and knowing that Australia will follow suit, I can’t help but sometimes read Annabel Crabb.

Although I have totally weened myself off Gerard Henderson and Piers Ackerman… and Tony Abbott

Although I don’t think my silent protest will do anything.

And sometimes it is harder to seek beauty and pleasant things, than to fill the belly with things that cause bile, irritation, and angry growlings.

Later turning to cancer.

Parker Whittle.

Major Fail.

Scoopit!

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12 Responses

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  1. I find your use of swears to cover up your lack of talent disturbing. Perhaps you should seek employment at one of the many fast food restaurants in your area as I have no doubt they would hire you. They love insolent high school dropouts. Good luck with your… blog.

    M

    June 29, 2008 at 8:18 am

  2. Good point. Because every time i ever apply for work deep frying snap-frozen chicken, they ask what my writing is like and if i ever curse. Glad to see you recognize blogs as the highest form of literature. Books are so passe, don’t you think? They’re almost written for people who like to focus on facts… and issues.

    Anyway, thanks M; you prudish stuck-up fucking ‘genius’.

    typingisnotactivism

    June 29, 2008 at 11:31 am

  3. Hey there, I see you’re a fan of Parker Whittle and his 30-day i’m Initiative Talkathon – well so am I and that’s why I got him to guest blog Day 8 of his opus on my site Catsandbeer.com!

    Check it out:

    Guest Blogger: Parker Whittle From The Microsoft i’m Initiative!

    LOL!

    Brian

    July 1, 2008 at 10:56 am

  4. am almost prepared to believe that you’re being sarcastic ‘Brian’, ‘cept your onsite links for the douchebag interview are broken.

    typingisnotactivism

    July 1, 2008 at 1:50 pm

  5. ah, yeah, bad timing – check again – Parker’s back – he can’t lose

    Catsandbeer.com

    July 2, 2008 at 7:42 am

  6. O yes he caaaan!!!
    Guest Blogger: Parker Whittle From The Microsoft i’m Initiative!
    “If you’re reading this and your BS detector is chirping like a smoke detector with a dicey 9-volt then get that shit fixed! This blog is completely real — Parker is REAL, his blogging is REAL, and sadly his burgeoning lust for preposterously young boys is realer than all that other stuff put together.”
    FMJAML!!

    typingisnotactivism

    July 2, 2008 at 3:13 pm

  7. Interesting post from dwergs here at http://mess.be/inews.shtml#newsitemEkEVpuVkyyPTVpeSei
    According to dwergs,
    ….the i’m Initiative raised about US$1.5 million since its launch sixteen months ago. The i’m Talkathon currently promoting it (for just 30 days) costs Microsoft nearly US$5 million in online ads on Facebook, Pandora, PerezHilton, etc. And that pricetag excludes McCann Worldgroup’s invoice….

    typingisnotactivism

    July 3, 2008 at 3:54 pm

  8. Of course it’s worth it – some of the blog posts on the talkathon have double digit comments counts!

    Catsandbeer.com

    July 4, 2008 at 7:35 pm

  9. Fully! It’s almost as though Microsoft has at least 11 employees that can type….

    typingisnotactivism

    July 5, 2008 at 7:57 pm

  10. […] a real person? While this campaign shows great examples of social media, over the past 21 days, other people have felt resistance towards this technique. If Microsoft had chosen to use a real person or a […]

  11. […] 2 cool sites Posted in LOLnews, NGO, breaking news, current affairs, media, worth a look by typingisnotactivism on August 11th, 2008 Bono, retire from public life and we’ll donate a ton of money to fight AIDS is exactly what it sounds like. Gotta love that. Turns out that the RED campaign has spent more on marketing associated brands – like American Express – than it has actually raised for charity. Hmmm. What does that sound like….? […]

  12. […] 3 cool sites Posted in LOLnews, NGO, breaking news, current affairs, media, worth a look by typingisnotactivism on August 11th, 2008 Bono, retire from public life and we’ll donate a ton of money to fight AIDS is exactly what it sounds like. Gotta love that. Turns out that the RED campaign has spent more on marketing associated brands – like American Express – than it has actually raised for charity. Hmmm. What does that sound like….? […]


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