Archive for the ‘hilarious’ Category
New Australian Anthem
It has been floating around for a while, but to see AusFailure National Tantrum show up in the Sydney Morning Herald – where it may well be read by a quarter of a million Sydneysiders – certainly brings a grin that goes from ear to era.
The article is here, and this is the National Tantrum, as penned and painted by awesome Indigenous artist, didge guru and all round kickass mofo Adam Hill (not the whitefella, the other fella.)
AUSFAILURE NATIONAL TANTRUM
Australians all let us remorse
For we are blind can’t see
We’ve golden soil that we all spoil
Our home washes into sea
Our land abounds in racist gits
Of whom we really can’t bear
In history’s cage recompense the slaves
Do Australians really care?
In painful strains that left a sting
Do Australians really care?
SAS preparing French paratroopers for Pakistan
Good Riddance: SMH Editor Alan Oakley Hands Over the Race-baiting Ignorance Flogging Boob-soaked Flesh Wand of Destiny.
Alan Oakley
Former SMH Editor
STILL A TOTAL KNOB
Of course it’s not all good news. The Zionist douchebag did step down yesterday – whatever that means is yet to be clear – but has apparently been offered an important strategic position at Fairfax. That probably means he’ll be getting paid six figures to Photoshop well-oiled breasts on to dead Arabs and equally dead polar bears.
As always, the Herald’s own article about the departure of one of Fairfax’s own is a vapid piece of sh*t which quite literally functions as nothing more than a press release. How quality of the paper is it that today another executive, David Kirk, has been dumped, so they sent an intern round to his back fence to take this photo.
What a shame he wasn’t pissing on a tree or rolling drunk and morbid in his own vomit at the time. Still, they have at least managed to make him appear mildly depressed, even though he’s actually just busy sending a text message.
The Australian’s article about Oakley’s departure from the Simply Moaning Hairball at least makes clear why he felt it necessary to turn the paper into a piece of glamorous mindless populist piece of turd largely written at a fourth grade reading and analysis level. Seems his lateral elevation was all about Sunday papers – tits, car ads, and Michael Jackson stories, basically.
Anyway – good riddance. If the Herald hadn’t formerly been a very worthwhile newspaper, and if it wasn’t still holding a stable of very good writers and journalists, then there would be no reason for frustration with the wad of 90% trans-fats that it has become in the last two+ years under Oakley and the completely visionless board of Fairfax.
One might hope that Oakley’s departure will open the door for a dramatic improvement of the ailing newspaper culture at the Sydney Morning Herald and Farifax’s other outposts, but based on their sustained form there is little reason for that hope.
Voting for vaginas – coz Hilree n Sayra iz the saaym.
niiiiice one Juliet Jeske, you rock. completely counterbalances the argument that anything which bleeds for five days without dying shouldn’t be trusted. as well as douchebags like this and even bigger stupider douchebags like this. Dems4McCain actually identify with Forrest Gump, seriously… probably because brain damage is a better excuse than an explanation Joe Liebermensch has yet come up with.
ur Cat, ai haz it. zmogwtf?!
so the obvious question is “which bit’s funniest?” – ‘not very friendly’, ‘not house broken’, ‘no collar’ or ‘might be scared’? O yeah, there’s also ‘CAT FOUND’!!
*Nelson sez* Haaa Haa
Dear Abby, my husband is a liar and a cheat…
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job eight years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn’t even pretend to like
me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman, you don’t need him anymore!
You’re a Senator from New York running for President of the United States.
Act like one.
Signed: Abby
The Washington Post is a piece of $h!t, but these are pretty funny…
If you too are a fan of English as a language that evolves, rather than waiting for dictionaries and frustrated language teachers and newspaper editors to determine what is or is not a word which can legitimately be used to convey meaning, you’ll dig these too. Seriously, I wouldn’t give The Washington Post to a puppy to crap on. Actually… that’s probably the one situation where The Washington Post is the paper of choice. Point being, these are pretty good. 8. might just be my favourite, although 13 and 15 are definitely contenders. Anyway…
The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It’s when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it’s a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
The Eukanuba Diet – for dog lovers…
I was buying a large bag of Eukanuba (Dog food) at Coles and standing in line at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Eukanuba Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 22 kilos before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Eukanuba nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no; it was because I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow…why else would I buy dog food??
i got this email from a friend and thought it was too hysterical not to share.
So you’ve just caught crabs for the first time….
Escape claws
A TFF reader swears this is true. His son’s friend had just hauled up a mud crab from one of the canals at Runaway Bay on the Gold Coast last week, when he was approached by a Fisheries inspector.”You’re copped, mate,” the inspector said. “That is a female crab and it is a protected species. There is a hefty fine for catching one of those.”
“But I haven’t caught it, I have simply retrieved it.”
“What do you mean, you’ve retrieved it ?”
“Well, this crab is my pet and every now and again I bring it down to the canal for a swim.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yes, I let it go, it swims around for a bit and then comes back to me and I take it home. Look, I’ll show you.” And with that, the guy picks up the crab, places it into the water and issues an instruction to take a short swim and hurry back. The officer watches, bewildered.
“When will it come back ?” he asks.
“When will what come back?” the guy responds.
had to pinch this from Peter FitzSimons’ page because it’s too good to not share.
Malcolm Turnbull grabs shovel before Peter Costello’s body is even cold.
Peter Costello has finally demonstrated the kind of leadership that the Liberal Party has sorely needed, by abandoning them to go to a BBQ… with high odds that he’ll be working for a major investment house within the next 12 months I’ll bet. Still, it’s only fair that somebody profit from the suffering he causes.
With Costello’s furrowed brow also goes the anointment spat from on-high by Long Gone John. No matter, humourless ass-hat Malcolm “I’m gonna take your balls and go straight home” Turnbull has thrown his hat in the ring, according to this article. Question is, when an ass-hat throws his hat in the ring, who gets to pull it back out? My bet is that he’s going to come out as deputy, but who to?
And who cares? They’re all skanks. Point is that the next leader of the Liberal Party will be someone who actually understands that they’ll never be Prime Minister (or President) of Australia. They’re just the ice-breaker who’ll get disembowelled by their own support-base after they lose the next election (if they’re allowed to stick around that long).
Hang on…. Why am I even writing about this? Let’s face it – Australia won, they’re screwed, schadenfreude now comes in community-sized buckets, and HA HA!!
Aussie election day – media roundup… (update 2)
Update: Great freshly posted articles in the U.K. press here and here about John Howard’s climate change and pulp mill legacy and its significance in today’s election. (thanks Mr. M!!)
This won’t be totally comprehensive, but going into the day (just turned noon on the east coast) these are some of the stand-out pieces of coverage and opinion so far:
If you’d rather do the sane thing and skip earnestly fact-checked media, check out the videos and transcripts at the Clarke & Dawe page, especially their excoriation of Howard over the politics of fear. This farewell to Howard is brutal and amazing – one of the funniest things they’ve ever done with their 3-minutes.
And happy to see that another of my sometime-favourites, Mike Carlton, has thrown his hat in the ring with the perfectly titled White tracksuit bottoms flutter over the bunker.
The first group left before dawn, silent figures picking their way through the smoking rubble, casting long shadows in the light of the heaped documents burning in the courtyard.
They would take the northern escape route. Most had only the few possessions they had frantically scraped together as the enormity of the disaster emerged. A bundle of lovingly polished pejoratives, perhaps: chardonnay-sipping, elitist, latte left, Howard haters.
Others clutched an old Quadrant magazine, an invitation to drinks at Kirribilli, a treasured newspaper editorial written long ago in praise of Donald Rumsfeld. These keepsakes from happier days would bring comfort in the grim years ahead.
Away from the seriously hilarious to the hilariously serious. Was I wrong about Alan Ramsey? I think so; here’s a vigorously waved middle finger to the departing Magoo of a Prime Minister.
Yet Howard’s true political “genius”, if you like, is forever talking to what he sees as his base constituency as if they are no more than sheep. In this he might well be right.
It’s a great bit of venom which also points out that 300 recycling bins have just arrived at Parliament House, as if out of nowhere… Somebody might be preparing for a shred-a-thon.
This piece, Desperate Tactics, by Shaun Carney clearly points out the obvious reason why the racism/dirty tactics scandal which burned up about 48 hours of Howard’s oxygen this week probably seemed like a good idea at the time:
In 2001, John Howard, aided by Philip Ruddock, showed that it was good business. Howard’s vital sentence, uttered for the first time during that campaign during the Liberals’ formal launch at the Sydney Recital Hall, was: “We decide who comes into this country and the circumstances in which they come.” I was there and there were two moments during that event when the roof of that beautiful space just about lifted off due to the rapturous applause from Liberal supporters: when Howard made that statement and when Ruddock, the hero of the push against boat people, was introduced to the crowd.
Tracee Hutchison sprays on a bit of drama but with a lyrical flair and 11 years of pent-up anger prays that the past week will indeed be Johnny’s epitaph:
Somehow the word comeuppance came to mind as the 11th-hour race implosion in the federal seat of Lindsay derailed Howard’s re-election momentum. And it screamed poetic justice.
Election analyst Antony Green gets his outlook in here, while Chris Uhlmann disembowels the last 6 weeks of election campaigning here.
So their slogan was “Go for Growth”, and all of a sudden people could think, “Well, that could mean that interest rates might rise, so that’s a bit of a problem.” So then we saw another banner appear which was red and said, “Don’t risk our economy with Labor.”
And in the last week really, the Prime Minister has borrowed a line from Morris Iemma, which is if we’re heading in the right direction, there’s no need to change. So, there’s been a dog’s breakfast of themes throughout this.
Peter Hartcher has written a comprehensive comparison piece, Taste The Difference, which needs a cup of coffee and some breathing space – but is well worth it. Hartcher’s been almost as outstanding reading as Michelle Grattan, and while it’s a shame that she hasn’t written anything in the last 24 hours it’s a sure bet she’ll write something dazzling within the next 24.
They do converge on a great deal – in the words of the online satirist Hugh Atkin, Rudd proceeds according to the “clever principle of similar difference”.
We could also take a visit to the News Limited stable, but nah. Half of the editors there have decided in the last week that their best marketing outcome lies in supporting the ALP for 4 days, rather than continuing their line of “Howard’s amazing, why is he so misunderstood?”
Instead, there’s the lucky-dip mix at Election Tracker, which I believe is a loose collective of journalism students taking a crack at broadly composed online coverage. My guess is that it will be bereft of jaded cynicism and bitter bias, but that is just a guess.
HOLY CRAP!!! Journo attacks candidate, but in the flesh for a change + yet another COALition flyer scam.
Oh Lordy!!! This is too good. This post is kind of an update – check this earlier post for background. Rupert Murdoch’s red-cordial-nightmare Caroline Overington screamed abuse at Labor Party candidate for Wentworth, George Newhouse just over an hour ago.
With her skill for making a clumsy scene, she made sure to not only do this in front of a lot of people, but at a polling location..
“At first we thought who was this woman yelling at Newhouse, then she slapped him and we realised it was Caroline Overington,” the witness said.
She was obviously just following the Electoral Commission’s guidance – mark one box above the line, all the boxes below the line, or attack the candidate in person just to make sure that everyone knows how highly News Limited prizes quality journalism.
Actually, perhaps it is a News Limited ploy. Let’s face it – that last minute poll they ran
which put the Liberals closer to winning than in any other poll this year probably wouldn’t have hurt their sales. And now they can run the Sunday headline “Bugger the election results – read today’s Slappy Bitch Psycho column!! Exclusive!!”
just in –> Not wanting to miss out on the last minute negative publicity, Queensland Liberals have made sure to get caught up in another deceptive how-to-vote flyer scam. Nationally, that’s the third reported for the Liberals this week, proving that they are indeed the party of private enterprise.
Proof that Climate Change skeptics…
… and Reuters news service are douchebags.
How great is this story : Hoax bacteria study tricks climate skeptics!!
Some utter legends went to the effort of setting up this fake website for the non-existent “Journal of Geoclimatic Studies”. They published this report which details how ocean bacteria emit more than 300 times the carbon dioxide produced by human activities and that therefore man-made global warming is a myth.
Of course, it’s possible that the ‘creators’ were seeking to further fuel the pro-skepticism propaganda leech-pit, but I can’t help thinking that this profound introduction was written with tongue-in-cheek and middle finger raised high:
We have also taken the unprecedented step of making the paper freely available on our website: something we have been reluctant to do in the past because of our severe budgetary constraints. We hope that even if the paper is dismissed and ignored by those who subscribe to the “consensus” position on climate change, the truth will eventually seep out. We accept that this is not the best route for scientific discourse to take, but none better appears to be available. We publish in trepidation, but in the knowledge that it is the right thing to do.
That intro + context = cheeky satirical genius!
Climate skeptics jumped on the report as the ultimate vindication, the smoking gun, the undeniable proof – one emailed the report to 2000 contacts proclaiming as much. Stupid bloody greenies, trying to save trees and radically alter the future of human progress when all they really need to do is kill the oceans (more than we have already, of course).
Only thing is that, yes, it’s a prank. But it’s a constructive prank from which people should gain wisdom and insight, as opposed to the destructive hoax still being played out by ignorant knuckle-monkeys like James Inhofe. Doubt, profiteering and delay continue to be the real hoax.
Somehow, though, Reuters frames this outstanding piece of activism as an affront to climate skeptics. A more appropriate title would have been “Hoax bacteria study proves that climate skeptics are f#$&ing tools, period“.
an election date with John Howard – hawt!!
Mmmmm yummy!! A good man is hard to find, so look no further girls and ladyboys. We’ve got a real hawtee for you today. Unfortunately the ad is a couple of years old but all the changes have been for the better. Less hair on the head for tangle-free thinking, more hair on the eyebrows for being taken really srsly internationally, and the invasion fetish may seem a bit subdued lately but only because he’s realized there are plenty of countries that can be invaded right here at home. . . and think of the fuel savings! Ready your Australia Card, he’s coming aboard…
Capture some carbon with Johnny Big Oil today – he’ll warm your globe, right after he’s inserted his vapid preamble given your future generations some lip service. Mmmmmmm, lip service.
Australian Department of Immigration – Kevin Andrews clarifies position on human rights
videos like this remind me why i made a whole category of “too good not to”
So glad this vid got pointed out to me. Creator, Dan Ilic, has a bunch of creatively deviated sproutlings just here.
<a href=”https://typingisnotactivism.wordpress.com/2007/10/13/australian-department-of-immigration-kevin-andrews-clarifies-position-on-human-rights/”><img src=”http://tinyurl.com/23828h” border=”0″/> <strong>Scoopit!</strong></a>
wwworldwide John Howard caption contest!!!
John Howard’s beloved Liberal Party had their website hacked by some freedom-loving web ninjas. EXCELLENT!!! The story’s here in Rupert’s always-aptly-titled News Limited, who have of course censored the ‘lewd’ message.
I’m guessing that John Howard says:
“I like to suck dick”. It would be cooler if it said “I like to suck dicks this big”, or “I once stuck my fist this far up a refugee,” or, best of all “I don’t care if a bloke sucks dicks this big, he and his partner should still have the same legal standing as everybody else”.
There are so many possible messages that would fit here. Please make your suggestions in the comments section and I promise to do something amazing with the best ones in the lead-up to our federal election.
Alexander Downer is pube deficient – here’s proof
Well… he’s Minister for four an’ a half hairs isn’t he?
“Childrens do learn”. George Bush narrowly defeats challenge from Miss Teen South Carolina.
There are ELEVEN people in this Photo.
Pick the TEN which you would trust to run a country…
“Are our childrens learning?” asked George
“Yes,” he replied, “our childrens do learn”
Don’t believe me? It’s all here. File under ‘how dumb is this bastard sent forth from Satan’s junk?’
Although it’s only a footnote to the story really, here is the part which really rocks my world:
Just a day earlier, the White House inadvertently showed how it tries to prevent Bush from making even more slips of the tongue than he already does.
As Bush addressed the UN General Assembly yesterday, a marked-up draft of his speech briefly popped up on the UN website, complete with a phonetic pronunciation guide to get him past troublesome names of countries and world leaders.
The W is for Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeak.
George Bush visits a school (again)
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get some PR. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. George asks him his name.
” Stanley ,” responds the little boy.
“And what is your question, Stanley?”
“Actually, I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?”
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans
don’t have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for break. George Bush informs the kiddies that
they will continue after the break.
When they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right, It’s
question time. Who has a question?”
A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks
him his name. “Little Sammy” he responds.
“And what is your question, Little Sammy?”
Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don’t have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the break bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the f**k happened to Stanley?”
Hot new video – MC George Dubya: Sunday Bloody Sunday
Wow!! He may not be able to pronounce difficult words like ‘APEC‘ or ‘nuclear’ but he does bring at least as much integrity to a U2 war protest as Bono brings to globalized designer consumables. Awesome mashup – sound and vision fully deserve each other.
APEC Bin Laden – Sydney’s $300 million joke needed a bloody good punchline. Thanks Chaser arrestees, you rock!!
update – check this story out and this one– the remaining members of The Chaser crew who weren’t arrested on Thursday went in today in a 3-car motorcade… made of cardboard.
Stopped. Questioned. Held. Not Charged. Released.
We don’t need the Defence Forces and Police. We just need about 140 000 Chaser trainees. That would truly be the shit. It might even solve this problem that Aussie politicians are having of trying to out-not-amused each other. Jerkovz.
Wow – Bin Laden knew he was in trouble when confronted by a riot cop, a leather cop, and a suit cop. Maybe he should have flown.
The Chaser’s War On Everything lived up to its name today – beautifully. The snipers all over Sydney must either have shitty aim or great magnification because that is one convincing-ass costume. Australia’s most participatory journos took a mini-motorcade to within about 10 metres of the hotel where Satan’s Anal Fissure (aka George Bush) is staying in Sydney. They went dressed as Canada because it seemed like a believably mini-motorcade choice to make. Perhaps also as a reference to the fact that Bin Laden is actually hiding in Canada, which everyone already knows.
They were charged and released this afternoon. Hopefully none of them will end up with the six-month jail sentences possible. Hopefully they’ll get 100 hours community service – which would mean playing 10 minutes of this footage 600 times in a public space, basically.
Xavier Forrest, aka Harry Shortz, aka Hugh Manatee, aka typingisnotactivism. Sydney-based writer/ environmental law researcher & editor mostly focussed on environ mentalism, media, politricks and WTFs.
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typing is not activism.... 