Archive for the ‘comedy (?)’ Category
SAS preparing French paratroopers for Pakistan
Daisk 5 – pro-whaling spammer douchebag
Wow. Why did I even bother being polite(ish)?
Daisk 5 posted a comment here in response to another contributor’s lovely insights about the intersection between Maori culture and whales. Unlike that particular contributor, Daisk 5 is not somebody making any kind of special effort or taking the time to make an original, thoughtful, or even intelligent comment.
Doucheaisk 5 has instead gone to almost every post on this blog that is tagged with ‘whales’ and cut’n’pasted the exact same comment.
Dickaisk 5, you can gargle my marbles. You enjoy seeing beautiful intelligent creatures killed because it is a piss-weak, braindead and ugly act, one which you, therefore, can relate to.
Anybody wishing to convey their thoughts to Dildoaisk 5 can try his (too stupid to be female, my guess) email address which has been given as aibu_saki@hotmail.co.jp , although I would guess that aibu_saki@hotmail.com would also be worth a try. Then again, the snivelling prat’s entire input is likely to be as fake as his allusions to culture so you may wish to just make your thoughts known here.
Unless of course you can digitally fist IP 203.160.31.234
Six Degrees of Celsias…
An odd choice for a title but possible cause for sustained reflection if you’re punching bowls in pixeltown.
The excellent all-things-planetary-meltdown website Celsias has pumped a wishful article about Coca Cola’s sudden money-down recognition of their ability to play some kind of positive role on the planet. They’ve nicely framed it with some additional links to prankster acts of independent journalism, so although I’m not currently in a posting mode I do encourage you to head over here and check out the prankly goodness.
Oh, by the way – it’s good to sea that Greenpeace haven’t lost their sense of humour, or context, or reality, or self-importance. . .
What the hell – One out of four ain’t bad.
Forest campaign against Garrett may have teeth…
Just pilfered this sassy new bulletin from the ever-lovely Tasmanian Times. It comes fresh from the keyboard of Karl Stevens:
‘Peter Garrett needs a comb as much as Tasmania needs a pulp mill’.
This is a new campaign targeting Environment Minister Peter Garrett …
PEOPLE are asked to send a plastic hair comb or a picture of a hair comb, with or without an anti-pulpmill message to Environment Minister Garrett.
Nothing abusive or insulting please.
The aim of this campaign is to draw attention to Garrett’s refusal to acknowledge the proposed pulp mill and the clearing of native forest in Tasmania as a critical environmental issue.
There are the 2 addresses for people to post to:
Peter Garrett
Suit MG40
Parliament House Canberra ACT 2600Peter Garrett
PO Box 249
Maroubra NSW 2035
If you happen to be combing the internet from overseas, just stick ‘Australia’ in before the postcode.
Happy New Beer!
The General Managers of Cascade Brewery , Tooheys , XXXX , CUB and Coopers were at a national beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.
The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, ‘I’ll have a Tooheys New.’
The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, ‘I’ll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water.’
The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, ‘I’ll have a Coopers, the King of Beers.’
The bloke from Carlton says, ‘I’ll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet.’
The General Manager from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, ‘I’ll have a Diet Coke.’
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.
He just shrugs and says, ‘Well if none of you ponces are drinking beer, then neither am I.’
HOLY CRAP!!! Journo attacks candidate, but in the flesh for a change + yet another COALition flyer scam.
Oh Lordy!!! This is too good. This post is kind of an update – check this earlier post for background. Rupert Murdoch’s red-cordial-nightmare Caroline Overington screamed abuse at Labor Party candidate for Wentworth, George Newhouse just over an hour ago.
With her skill for making a clumsy scene, she made sure to not only do this in front of a lot of people, but at a polling location..
“At first we thought who was this woman yelling at Newhouse, then she slapped him and we realised it was Caroline Overington,” the witness said.
She was obviously just following the Electoral Commission’s guidance – mark one box above the line, all the boxes below the line, or attack the candidate in person just to make sure that everyone knows how highly News Limited prizes quality journalism.
Actually, perhaps it is a News Limited ploy. Let’s face it – that last minute poll they ran
which put the Liberals closer to winning than in any other poll this year probably wouldn’t have hurt their sales. And now they can run the Sunday headline “Bugger the election results – read today’s Slappy Bitch Psycho column!! Exclusive!!”
just in –> Not wanting to miss out on the last minute negative publicity, Queensland Liberals have made sure to get caught up in another deceptive how-to-vote flyer scam. Nationally, that’s the third reported for the Liberals this week, proving that they are indeed the party of private enterprise.
A Christmas message for Prime Minister John Howard
i know it’s a bit
early, but hopefully next
week will be too late
BWAH HAH HAH HA HA HAAAAAAAAH!!!
Costello reaches out with fresh ad campaign!!
apparently Costello’s team has extensively polled Australian households, and they would like him to stop it.
Proof that Climate Change skeptics…
… and Reuters news service are douchebags.
How great is this story : Hoax bacteria study tricks climate skeptics!!
Some utter legends went to the effort of setting up this fake website for the non-existent “Journal of Geoclimatic Studies”. They published this report which details how ocean bacteria emit more than 300 times the carbon dioxide produced by human activities and that therefore man-made global warming is a myth.
Of course, it’s possible that the ‘creators’ were seeking to further fuel the pro-skepticism propaganda leech-pit, but I can’t help thinking that this profound introduction was written with tongue-in-cheek and middle finger raised high:
We have also taken the unprecedented step of making the paper freely available on our website: something we have been reluctant to do in the past because of our severe budgetary constraints. We hope that even if the paper is dismissed and ignored by those who subscribe to the “consensus” position on climate change, the truth will eventually seep out. We accept that this is not the best route for scientific discourse to take, but none better appears to be available. We publish in trepidation, but in the knowledge that it is the right thing to do.
That intro + context = cheeky satirical genius!
Climate skeptics jumped on the report as the ultimate vindication, the smoking gun, the undeniable proof – one emailed the report to 2000 contacts proclaiming as much. Stupid bloody greenies, trying to save trees and radically alter the future of human progress when all they really need to do is kill the oceans (more than we have already, of course).
Only thing is that, yes, it’s a prank. But it’s a constructive prank from which people should gain wisdom and insight, as opposed to the destructive hoax still being played out by ignorant knuckle-monkeys like James Inhofe. Doubt, profiteering and delay continue to be the real hoax.
Somehow, though, Reuters frames this outstanding piece of activism as an affront to climate skeptics. A more appropriate title would have been “Hoax bacteria study proves that climate skeptics are f#$&ing tools, period“.
icanhascheezypolitikz?
Further to yesterday’s post about LOL pols on Flickr, here are some LOLitical and mediacre bits i’ve put together for your amusement/ contempt. Grab a GIMP and get busy you space-monkeyz! (it’s actually kind of soothing…)
COALition can not haz cheezburger!!! The last one was of course assembled at the all-inspired icanhascheezburger which is still the best community to visit if you wish to make sense of the origins and memetasticicization of all things LOL.
Aussie Green Blog props LOL pols on Flickr (aka LOLiticians)
…you get the idea. Check out the LOL POLS group on Flickr. Have a rofl or may a submishn. Currently is fun, but may evolve to status of therapy over next 5 weeks.
Thanks Greens – good tip! (Do check out the Greens blog by the way – is more down to earth than other parties’ staff-maintained MySpac pages).
COALition can not haz cheezburger!!!
$500 to mock Little Johnny – what’s the catch?
MEDIA RELEASE – October 14 2007
From: “Don’t Look Gallery”
Subject: Tell Little Johnny where 2go, win $500! (or donate some extra $$$ to the prize pool and make the competition scarily well-cashed-up!)
Don’t Look Gallery presents Short, Sharp and Funny!
Create a short film making fun of John Howard, put it up on YouTube
and be in the running for $500!
Don’t Look Gallery wants to see the back of Little Johnny and thinks
that Australia’s arts community is in a great position to put the boot
in. To be eligible for the prize money, make a short movie (between 30
seconds and 5 minutes) poking fun at Australia’s worst Prime Minister,
pop it up on YouTube, and then get the website address listed on five
other websites (to show that you’re getting the message out).
Send an email to dontlookgallery[at]gmail.com with the above info by
November 17 and you could win $500 and take an active role in showing
Mr. Mean&Tricky the door!
Please email this to anyone/everyone who might be interested (put it
on lists, your myspace/facebook whatever) and help get the word
out!
This competition will be judged by the Director of Don’t Look
Gallery, Greg Shapley.
Bennelong Time (since I was ahead in the polls)
John Howard and his lead balloon – a deadly Ledly, um… ‘tribute’ . . ? . . . ! skewering from Cyrius01 on YouTube. Very rock, very funny, very replayable loud for housemates and co-workers.
I love that under ‘interests & hobbies’ Cyrius says he’s into “preventing Armageddon-believing Christians from creating self-fulfilling prophecies and ruining the planet.”
The dude is definitely onto something. I’d say ‘kudos’ but that’s been MurdochSpaced, so I’ll just say siiiiiick!
Spotted at the always worthwhile Homepage Daily
QUOTE OF THE CENTURY!!!
“A moment I’ve been dreading. George [Bush Sr] brought his ne’re-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida. The one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I’ll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they’ll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work.”
Ronald Reagan in his recently published diaries,May 17, 1986.
Forest Industry of Tasmania – Asked & Answered.
Reprinting this from here because it is a shittily arranged site and more chance that all you deep green commie lefties will look at this if you don’t have to click through to a clearfell lobbying www. And because I’ve… (answered it). Thanks David Obendorf for pointing out this piece of poop.
The Editor – Mercury, Examiner, Advocate 28/08/07
by Julian Amos as Chairman of Forest Industries Association of Tasmanistan
The arguments of those opposed to the pulp mill border on the surreal (because they are filthy dirty hippies who smoke mushrooms and collect Dali posters). Let us put some facts on the table (whoa big fella, let’s not get carried away).
The amount of dioxin being released from the mill each year is minute. It will, in
volume, be less than one grain of rice (rice that can destroy reproductive systems at concentrations of less than a grain of sand – not good for marine reproduction at all). Most of these substances will be discharged in the effluent not to the air. (thank god – i like pigeons and John Gay but i fucking can’t stand seals)
The level of dioxins and furans from the proposed mill is miniscule (0.111 grams) compared with the output of these substances from existing wood heaters (0.883 grams or over 96%) in the greater Launceston area (me think you is confused – particulate matter and dioxins are different. particulates are small solid pieces of air pollution that get stuck in lung tissue, dioxins are persistent pollutants that alter genetic functions at incredibly low concentrations). Wood heaters seriously affect the overall air quality in the Tamar and it is wood heaters and not the pulp mill that is the real issue to be addressed. (goddamn wood heaters! why should people be allowed to stay warm in their homes while Gunns lose millions of dollars a day. Shame Launceston, shame!)
The effluent from the mill, including the “grain of rice”, (which is actually one of the most lethal persistent poisons known to humanity, as opposed to actual rice which is an edible grain) will be dispersed via a 3km outlet pipe into Bass Strait, in an area where there is no commercial scallop fishery (so if nobody’s making money off it, we really should bugger it – it’s what the market would want). The Maryvale mill in Victoria has been discharging its effluent into Bass Strait for years, with no adverse effect on the marine environment or any fishery. (may be because they claim to have eliminated emissions of 2378TCDD dioxins. no reported effect from a company with 70 years in pulp industry that as of 10 years ago was still 90% native forest dependent. Nice example.)
The mill will be situated in an area where there are vineyards. In the premium grape growing districts of Provence and Bordeaux, in France, vineyards inhabit the same territory as pulp mills, with no loss of reputation, tourism attraction, or wine quality. (yes, good talking point – in Bordeaux, an inexperienced company that nobody trusts has run a million tonne pulp mill for years. There has never been an accident and people travel there every year for fresh wine, clean air, and France’s breathtaking biodiversity.)
Those who argue for a site move to Hampshire from the Tamar for environmental reasons are being less than honest (that would bother you?). First, there is no proposal to do so, and anyway, why is that site any more “environmentally appropriate”. (no air shed issues, in the middle of Gunns’ plantations, not disrupting existing industries, would have to be properly assessed in the way that Tamar wasn’t)
Industrial plant in Tasmania operates under license conditions. If those conditions are breached, the plant is shut down. The pulp mill will operate under license conditions, and will be treated no differently to any other industrial plant. (as long as Gunns turn themselves in every time they fuck up. That’s another job created right there.)
Those who argue that the mill will destroy Tasmania’ forests conveniently ignore the fact that no additional timber will be cut to feed the mill – woodchips that are presently exported as woodchips will be the feedstock for the mill. (this is false, not only will the mill continue to consume native forests while plantation chips are exported, but the woodchips that are presently exported will most likely have been used overseas by the time the mill can be built.)
And finally (i doubt it), those complaining of the fast-track process (and corruption of due process, and incompetence, and fat belly laughter) by the State Government should reflect on the fact that it was the RPDC process that was flawed, because of the lack of a timeline. (no, we’ve all been over this. The RPDC process was flawed because nobody submitted a competent or complete or accurate Integrated Impact Statement for them to work with, despite numerous invitations and requests for someone to submit said item.) To say that the public has been denied the opportunity for input is wrong. The public had input into the RPDC process and that input has been included under the present arrangements, both State and Federal. (‘inclusion’ is not the same as consideration. And reluctant inclusion without proper consultation, compared with encouraging a corporation to draft and edit legislation before elected unrepresentatives even get a look in?)
The public needs to have the full facts and not simply the biased presentations from the anti-mill lobby. (Yes, the public needs to have the full facts,so give em the facts, fool! Oh, that’s right. Facts are commercial in confidence aren’t they?)
More Idiots at APEC. Protesting In Support of Channel Ten Values.
Whether you’re protesting at APEC, beating up protesters at APEC, or any security agency not directly employed by the NSW Police and therefore have the Deputy Premier and Police Minister’s permission to pretend to be a violent protester at APEC (therefore justifying the use of water cannon, police and paramilitary violence, 30 buses being used as mobile holding cells, etc.) you’ll want to know about these junk-slappers.
The Liberty and Democracy Party are a bunch of Australian igno-douches halfway between 1st year economics and their first graduate jobs in the p.r./marketing/banking sector. But they’re not all poorly educated assholes.
Some of them are just assholes.
Anyway, the whole globalisation, workplace slavery, environmental degradation, planetary pollution, exponentiation of inequality, stealing land, killing villages, two-party police state bound by economic monotheism thing is going so badly (obviously) that these fans of John Laws think their mighty voices, tiny minds and hunger for media ops are needed at APEC.
So get along and check them out. Take urine.
IGNORANT YOUNG NEOFASCIST AGITATOR ITINERARY
Saturday 8th September 2007
9:00am – Meet at the corner of York and Market Street on street level above the post office. This is across the intersection from the North-West corner of the Queen Victoria Building (QVB). There will be a short briefing with any last minute updates.
9:20am – Make our way as a group toward Hyde Park.
10:00am – 11:30am – Take our message of freedom to the people.
It is noteworthy that the original poster promoting this ‘alternative’ protest is a research fellow at the Institute of Public Affairs. They are essentially a propaganda unit for hire lobbying for deregulation of GMOs, nuclear power and waste disposal, taxation of issue-based charities and NGOs, and social injustice. They refer to themselves as a ‘think tank’. This ‘protest’ is conveniently timed to run into the Sop Bush protest also happening in the same area in Sydney on Saturday morning. How convenient it would be if they created an incident requiring that the police use force indiscriminately, while certain journos who are also fellows of the IPA just happen to create context.
B_B_Bernice drew my attention back to something – a turn of phrase that likely sends chills up the spines of those who understand it – Naomi Klein’s latest speech turned to the battle for a different world and sums up modern history in her characteristically blunt and beautiful style:
We did not lose the battle of ideas. We were not outsmarted, and we were not out-argued. We lost because we were crushed. Sometimes we were crushed by army tanks, and sometimes we were crushed by think tanks. And by think tanks, I mean the people who are paid to think by the makers of tanks. Now, most effective we have seen is when the army tanks and the think tanks team up. The quest to impose a single world market has casualties now in the millions, from Chile then to Iraq today. These blueprints for another world were crushed and disappeared because they are popular and because, when tried, they work. They’re popular because they have the power to give millions of people lives with dignity, with the basics guaranteed. They are dangerous because they put real limits on the rich, who respond accordingly. Understanding this history, understanding that we never lost the battle of ideas, that we only lost a series of dirty wars, is key to building the confidence that we lack, to igniting the passionate intensity that we need.
Aussie Teen Cracks $84 Million porn filter, becomes wildly popular amongst schoolfriends.
This story is hilarious. It has everything – porn, a government made to look stupid, a kid that beats the system, computer hackery… more porn.
After all the government’s huffing and puffing – both on matters of local employment and on protecting kids from the evils of an interweb built solely for the purpose of stealing their innocence – it’s a big fail for Communications Minister (and part-time fencepost) Helen Coonan.
Money spent on an imported product has been wasted when a local one (even according to the 16-year old who cracked it) would have been more effective and saved millions. It’s a bit surprising that Coonan got it so wrong.
She is just one of the many Howard stooges who has been caught by the wildly wonderful WikiScanner this week, and as such her staff should have enough experience manipulating information online that you’d think they could spot an unreliable porn filter at twenty paces. The most Coonan-related article is here.
While the ‘poo bum dicky wee wee‘ edit is one of my personal favourites, the most insightful story would probably be this one – detailing how the Department of Defense made up to 5000 Wiki edits, and how the offices of the Prime Minister and Cabinet seem to have been responsible for the rewriting of recent history on major government lies – like children overboard.
While this excerpt is informative:
WikiScanner removes much of the anonymity Wikipedia contributors have long enjoyed by tracing the unique digital fingerprint left by everybody who uses Wikipedia. It has helped uncover self-serving contributions from hundreds of sources, including the CIA, the Vatican, the Republican Party, the UN, the US Senate and the US Democratic Party’s Congressional Campaign Committee.
I think that this quote from WikiScanner’s creator is absolutely brilliant:
“My intention was to create a massive fireworks display of public relations disasters for all the world to sit back and enjoy.”
– WikiScanner’s creator, Virgil Griffith
It is hoped that Peter Costello’s nickname, ‘Captain Smirk’, shall be reWiki-ed shortly.
Qaeda Pounder and a Thick Sheikh thanks!
I don’t know if I’m convinced – a keffiyeh with heavy makeup and hair dye? I reckon this clown works for the CIA. or ASIO. or Wackenhutt.
Love this photo and will be posting more pics and bits from The Deadly & Mysterious AH shortly. Until then,
ENJOY YOUR
McJihad!!!
Too Damned Funny. Expanded Vocab Anybody?
Just got sent these by a mate. Guessing the original was written by a British male backpacking in Australia while reconciling self with homophobic tendencies BUT is still pretty damned funny. Please feel free to use in a sentence or leave your own. My own word for the week is Calenged (adj): dysfunctional relationship with calendar, may extend to diaries and clocks.
New Words for 2007
SALAD DODGER: An overweight person.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
Project failed, and who was responsible.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a “home business”. Read the rest of this entry »
John Howard speaks coyly of his Gay encounter
Oh my duck in fog!
“Yes I did, I met him. And he’s a nice man and we had a pleasant discussion,” Mr Howard said.
“I had a pleasant discussion with other people. We talked about a whole range of things. It’s a free country and I’m entitled to meet anyone of good repute.” Read the rest of this entry »
Xavier Forrest, aka Harry Shortz, aka Hugh Manatee, aka typingisnotactivism. Sydney-based writer/ environmental law researcher & editor mostly focussed on environ mentalism, media, politricks and WTFs.
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typing is not activism.... 
Howard still anti-Reconciliation – the most telling minute of the debate.
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The Howard – Rudd debate on national tv just now revealed a couple of things. There are certainly a number of possible topics for discussion – commentator bias (hi Annabel Crabb), media ethics (hi Channel 9) – but here’s a suddenly crucial revelation which I expect shall be neglected by most political analysts in tomorrow’s papers. The same analysts and outlets as usual shall no doubt continue to lobby poisonously against reality.
Consider this – Howard’s final minute of summary and closure. As he talked about his proposed education revolution, one to overhaul and Gerard-Hendersonise the Aussie school history curriculum, he ever so briefly dropped his daks and waved red, white and blue-spangled genitalia at the national tv audience.
Well, not literally. But he did expose his dirty little reconciliation secret. For all the talk of his new attitude to Aboriginal Australians, his deeper understanding, his hope for real progress – he went straight back to the moment in 1997 when in front of the nation’s indigenous leaders, activists, academics, and citizenry, he categorically stonewalled the Reconciliation movement in this country. In talking tonight in that final moment, he insisted that without knowledge of where they’ve come from and the sacrifices made to make Australia what it is today, kids must know the great Australian story. Fair enough. “It’s not a story without blemish,” said Howard – his only acknowledgment that part of that story is a brutal, prolonged tale of systematic murder, abduction, relocation, separation and theft (more commonly referred to as ‘genocide’).
“Blemish”. Blemish? Blemish!!! A word commonly used to refer to displeasing aberration of the skin. the same word by which he specifically sought to emasculate the issue of Australian genocide in front of distinguished, committed, and affected hosts and guests a decade ago. Within the same hour as he spoke with feigned sincerity of his nation-propelling plan to include lip service within the preamble to the Constitution.
“It’s not a story without blemish”. It’s not a country without displeasing aberrations of the skin. It’s not a Prime Minister given to any kind of sincere respect or appreciation for the First People of this land, even as he proclaims his passive aggressive urge to consider acknowledging their existence if he is re-elected.
Disgusted.
Thanks to Ninglun for the tip – check out the commentary on this little slice of history (although it could have been this evening) from 2min 50sec.
Written by typingisnotactivism
October 21, 2007 at 10:02 pm
Posted in Australian politics, comedy (?), commentary, human rights, indigenous, media
Tagged with Australia, Australian election, constitution, john howard, racism, rudd howard debate